Vile. Foul. Greasy. Flat. Atrocious.

These are the words that enter my head when I stumble upon a person with a mullet. Mullets, aka the haircut that is described as “party in the back, business in the front,” has our school in a chokehold and needs to be stopped.  I don’t understand what compels these boys to get these choppy haircuts, and I’m really praying they get their money back or go seek a therapist. Some of you may be wondering why I cannot stand them, so here’s the list of reasons I came up with out of spite. So, unless you want to look like a knockoff Joe Exotic, I suggest you put those scissors down and start reading.

Starting off, mullets don’t even look that good and I mean that with full offense, get over it. Now, who on earth wants to look like their hair got in a fistfight with a pair of scissors? Not me. Also, the hair is always greasy and looks like they bathed in motor oil. Now did they get an oil change or a haircut, I can’t tell. Moving on, they simply don’t look good. I couldn’t tell you what girl in this day and age is attracted to them besides middle-aged women who grew up around them. They also take away from ones actual outfit being the center of attention. Mullets are way too noticeable and flashy; tone it down. They take up so much of one’s personality as well. Most guys tend to think that these are the coolest haircut that Great Clips has to offer, but I suggest they find a new barber and go somewhere else. I don’t know what aesthetic these trashy haircuts fall under, but they need to be revoked from all Pinterest boards immediately.

To continue, they aren’t practical whatsoever. They say it’s “business in the front, party in the back,” but what if they were at a business meeting? What if their employer needed the only “business part,” then what’s the party part supposed to do? Just stay there? It’s impractical. Plus, think about if it’s hot outside, that person can’t tie up their hair if it’s not gonna stay up. That’s the issue, they’re always choppy and layered and you can’t even get it out of your way. Or, to switch it up, what if it was cold? Those layers are as good as wearing shorts in the winter.

While I have nothing against people wanting to express themselves with their hair, I feel like this is the best way to tell someone to stay away from you at all times. And half of the people who have mullets always do it because of a dare. Now, why would you do that to yourself? Since they don’t have the actual knowledge of mullets and how to style them, they just end up being overly greasy and flat. Some friends need to stop suggesting this horrendous hairstyle, but then again if they’re suggesting it then are they even true friends?

Ending off, I feel as if this hairstyle has taken teenage boys and middle-aged dads hostage. We need to start finding better hairstyles to suggest rather than this abomination that we call a mullet.