How many of you have seen a procrastinator and thought, “I want to be like them. I want to learn how to put off my work until the last possible second and master the art of cramming it the night before it’s due.” Well, as a master of procrastination (self-proclaimed but still relevant), I’m here to help. Let’s get into it, team.

              We’re going to start with some basic training exercises.

• Exercise #1: Need to fold laundry? Don’t! You can do it tomorrow.
• Exercise #2: Dishes piling up in the sink? Eh, that’s a problem for future you.
• Exercise #3: In desperate need of groceries? You can be desperate a little longer, do it this weekend. Hardship builds character.

              Okay team once you’ve successfully mastered exercises one through three, you can move on to the big leagues. This is where we’ll lose some of you, the stress of a daunting assignment will prove too great, and the panic of submitting an assignment a minute before it’s due will overcome you. The strongest procrastinators will remain.

              Listen up, troops! I’m going to run through the directions of an artfully done procrastination and I want you to replicate them as best you can.

• Listen when a teacher announces when an assignment is due, then promptly disregard it because it’s due in a week, you’ve got plenty of time!
• Resist the urge to do your work days before it’s due. Instead, continue to stress about it as the time slips away.
• Put in the slightest amount of work here and there to ease your conscious.
• Forget about the assignment altogether.
• Remember it the night before it’s due.
• Complete the entire thing and hopefully submit it on time all while running off pure adrenaline.

Your tools for this mission:

• Phone, Books, TV, etc. (for entertainment while you procrastinate.)
• Food…. Enough said.
• Family members, dogs, loud noises, etc. Anything that will distract you!
• Naps!
• And finally, the Holy Grail, the King of All Procrastinators…Energy Drinks. (Can be substituted for coffee though the results may vary.)

Go Go Go!

Now, there’s no shame in putting something off for another day, but there is shame in quitting! Push through soldiers, I’m proud of you. Procrastinate, Procrastinate, Procrastinate!

If you’ve made it this far then you are the best of the best! I’ve done my best to train you, but the rest is on you. Continue your efforts and maybe one day you can also be called a Master of Procrastination. (Self-proclaimed but an accomplishment nonetheless).

Congrats to those who made it! We are an elite band of warriors, us procrastinators, and we are glad to have you. I also made us wristbands! Well, I haven’t made them yet. I’m sure I’ll get to it tomorrow.