Let’s put this into perspective: Halloween comes and goes. It’s November 1st, you’re driving down the road, you turn on the radio, and become the Grinch. You change the channel, trying to escape the merry jingles from the radio, but it’s the same. Change it again, and you’re met with the same song, on loop forever for two cold months of lights and pine needles. Yeah, you know the one.

As soon as November rolls around, the radios change to one specific song on loop- Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”.  I smell Christmas in the air. Do you know what that means? It’s time to wear a gas mask. 

Every month has a very clear holiday, or some type of theme it revolves around. January is the start of the year,  the time for resolutions to be broken and gyms to be abandoned. February is all about love, it’s in the air! Remember that gas mask I was talking about?

March is about luck and St. Patrick (true veterans of reading the newspaper will know my opinion of St. Patrick’s Day). April’s about bringing in spring and pulling some pranks. May’s about getting out of school and (sometimes) Easter. June and July are about the summer, and a purge of American patriotism.

August is about going back to school and groans from across the student body. September is about welcoming in fall. October is about spooks and scares (and candy, again, you can find my opinion on that in past editions). December’s about welcoming in winter and Christmas. 

So why is November just pre-December?

November should be about the holiday that resides within it- Thanksgiving. Honestly, it makes sense that no artist makes Thanksgiving-themed music, since I doubt they are thankful about anything despite their massive wealth.

As for us plebeians, however, we should feel pride in our ability to be thankful. Turkeys are feeling left out, unconsumed. Mashed potatoes, left on the the table. Pumpkins, forgotten, discarded instead of being made into pie. Our families, unthanked. These are all problems we must remedy.

Christmas is a time we should leave until December, or at least until Black Friday. Let’s be real, that’s where Santa gets his presents. Legend has it, all of his elves are Walmart managers. 

This November, turn away from the evils of the radio and be thankful of what you’ve been given. Don’t wait for more presents, thank others for the presents you’ve been given. Don’t give presents, give thanks. Don’t watch Christmas movies, watch Thanksgiving movies (I can think of only one, though, so be prepared to watch a lot of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving). This November, don’t eat gingerbread, eat turkey. 

Here’s an example, I’m thankful of everyone who read my slop and this newspaper.

Now you try.