As a species, we have evolved significantly over the course of our existence. Back in prehistoric times, our ancestors lived mostly in caves and, later, huts. As housing developed, we grew to expand our homes, built them on stone foundations, and installed modern appliances within them for comfort and convenience. However, it still baffles me how willing people are to throw that all away when Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” starts playing again.

As soon as Christmas time rolls around, millions of people around the world decide to invite nature into their home and install a massive tree in their living room. Do you ever ask why? I didn’t, I just want to complain. 

These trees are eyesores, more often than not smell bad, and are a baffling financial decision. According to Home Depot, a live 6-7 ft. tree is about $65. Keep in mind, this is a yearly purchase, so it starts to add up. Add on top of that when your star or your lights break. That alone can get pricey, not to mention difficult to put up. To add on to that, this is a purchase that lasts one month, then into the garbage it goes. 

Just like everything else in this country, you should instead buy a tree made of metal, grease, and good-old, red-blooded American spirit. Fake trees are infinitely better than real ones. Often they come only about 4 dollars more than real ones (according to Lowes), last way longer, smell way less bad and have lights pre-installed. In addition, most come in pieces, so you don’t have to carry a whole entire tree under your arm.

But what is this tree for? Blocking space in your living room, holding cherished memories ($5 pieces of plastic) and housing the presents. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know in my house, at least 30% of the space is taken up by pointless ornaments that my family made in elementary school. I think there’s a reason why pretty much every grade in elementary school has you make an ornament at Christmas time, because the teachers know they have an impact on the kids’ families. I didn’t specify whether or not it was a good impact.

Here’s the question- is it necessary? Is a giant tree necessary to show your Christmas spirit? Is it not overcompensation? Do presents really need to be under a tree?

I guess.

Merry Christmas.