My dearest students,

It has come to my attention that traffic has become rather an issue in the mornings before school hours. Many parents have voiced their detest to our current parking process and system on the Facebook dot com and not only does it hurt my soul and feelings, but it also makes me look bad. In order to find a way that we as a school can bring this issue to a close, I have already made the executive decision in which nobody else got a say and construction has already started for a new student parking lot out of the way of the parents. The parking lot will be located behind the Collierville Marketplace Self Storage and will only be an approximately 3.5 mile walk for our students, which I, Roger Jones III, believe is a very reasonable and practical amount of distance, and will in fact help to keep the children, our children, in this town, more in shape. Some concerns have been voiced about our children’s safety walking 4 miles there and back in the rain and snow uphill both ways crossing both Poplar and Bill Morris Parkway alone, and some have asked if there will be a shuttle. There will not.

I hope this will clear up any concerns regarding traffic.

P.S. due to construction costs we can no longer afford the staff swimming pool, thus it will be downsized to a personal jacuzzi and relocated to my backyard.

P.P.S please for the love of me wear your badges we paid a lot of money for that plastic.

Sir Roger Jones III, PHD, MD, BA, BS, MA, CPR certified

Principal, King, Prime Minister,

Collierville High School

*This article is satire and in no way reflects the views of Collierville Schools. We love you Mr. Jones <3