Let’s have a little chit chat about High School Musical. If you somehow have never seen it or don’t even know what it is, then to that I ask, what planet are you from? Welcome to Earth! And don’t think I forgot about those of you who like the movie, you obviously need to be enlightened to the abundance of things wrong with High School Musical. For example, could someone explain to me why Sharpay and her BROTHER, her B.R.O.T.H.E.R, her roommate in the womb, Ryan always play the lead pairs in the musicals? Now I don’t know all too much about musical theater, but aren’t the leads normally love interests? Ryan and Sharpay are siblings, Ms. Darbus what are you doing?! I’d love an answer whenever.

Also, Troy and Gabriella both have no experience with musicals or anything, they just get thrown into a super awkward karaoke part and suddenly they’re besties “just like kindergarten” and immediately want to try out for Mrs. Darbus’ musical. Sharpay and Ryan have trained for YEARS to go into musical theater and are the leads in all musicals almost by default. That is, until Troy and Gabriella came along.

Which, sidenote, Troy and Gabriella weren’t even technically supposed to audition. Mrs. Darbus had one solid moment of intelligence and told them audition times were over. But of course, Kelsey drops her music and Troy and Gabriella immediately run to help and suddenly they’re singing. All they had to do was “iTs hArD tO bELieVe tHaT I cOuLDn’T SeE” and suddenly they have callbacks. What??

 But, since Troy is the basketball jock who basically just is a basketball himself, and apparently Gabriella is a math nerd, they aren’t allowed to sing. I mean obviously, because the world would genuinely explode if Troy ventured from hoops and Gabriella from Pi. Everyone hit the deck! Troy’s singing! It’s all coming down!

Chad and Taylor, Troy and Gabriella’s best friends, both sabotage Troy and Gabriella’s relationship which sabotages their callbacks. Maybe, and just hear me out okay, maybe they should find better friends…just a thought. And how about the fact that Sharpay internet stalks Gabriella on a web page called “Search The Internet”? Or how Chad can’t go anywhere without a basketball. Just put it down Chad. Put. It. Down. I can promise you, everyone knows you play basketball, you don’t have to remind them. And we all know that one scene where Troy just shows up on Gabriella’s balcony AFTER HER MOTHER SENT HIM AWAY and just starts singing at her. Gabriella… run, I’ll distract him. Save yourself.

And here’s where Zac Efron failed me. Most of you already know this, but Zac Efron didn’t even sing in the first highschool musical! It was Drew Seeley! You know, that one dancer/celebrity guy from Another Cinderella Story with Selena Gomez?? (Now that’s a movie you should watch). You let me down Zac, you let me down hard. And, of course, the movie ends with everybody holding hands and singing Kumbaya. We’ve had betrayal after betrayal with a hint bullying and a pinch lies all mixed into one big pot of bad but hey, it’s okay because “We’re all in this together!” That’s not…how that works. If that movie wasn’t enough for you, have no fear, there’s two sequels. Goodie. And if that’s still just not enough High School Musical, then do I have the solution for you! High School Musical The Musical The Series! Really just rolls of the tongue doesn’t it?

The moral of the story is, High School Musical was actually a horrible movie. That’s it. The end.