On-Brand Items vs. Off-Brand

Back in our days, we couldn’t afford the well-known luxurious On-Brand items. We couldn’t even afford Doritos man. Coming home from school, craving a cheesy snack, we would barge to the pantry door. But what do we see? To our disappointment, there were only DETOS. This was worse than the quiz we just took and probably failed.

Detos? What is that you may ask. It’s Doritos but it’s faker than my grandma’s Gucci Bag. We all know that she bought it off of the Wish dot com. Every time we saw her, she’d be rocking the Grucci instead of the Gucci. Going to school after Christmas was dangerous though, especially with the gifts she gave us. We’d be rocking the Mikes, instead of the Nikes. Ever heard of Adidas? Well, we only heard of Adios. Yes, Adios. Even though these Off-Brand items are popularly made fun of, we have grown to appreciate them, and you should too! Here is a list of our favorite ones. (make sure to read until the end for a surprise.)

Starting off strong, Doritos Detos Chicken Wing Chips:

These are a national treasure. They are cheap and they hit the spot. Regular Doritos are way too expensive to casually buy. You normally buy the On-Brands when there is a special occasion, not when you just want a cheesy snack that is cheesier than pick-up line. Though these probably contain 10 different diseases, they still do the job. Rumor has it that if you eat Detos every day, you might build up a poison tolerance!

As the name suggests, there is creme in between. These cookies are the type of cookies that Santa searches for on Christmas night. So do us a favor and buy these the next time you go out. These are just so much creamier than Oreos. They are so creamy that you don’t even have to put them in milk; you can put them in water! My homies and I enjoy Creme Betweens after a night shift at the local 7/11. So, if you see us working, maybe give us a cookie or two! (Oh, and please buy something, we need to pay our rent).

Adios amigos! Do you want to look fresh off the runway? Get yourself this 25-dollar bargain so you can be the coolest kid at school. Instead of facing a knuckle sandwich every morning, you’ll get a high-five. You heard me, not a low-four but a high-five! This shirt is so cool that you could get married in it. Ditch the suit and tie, wearing this to your wedding will make ever-lasting memories. The parents may not approve of your fashion choices but your wife will! It’s a win-win. Even if people your age don’t like the shirt, we all know that some 6 year-old kid with a crusty Ipad would think this was the coolest shirt known to man. Get over the shame and humiliation and go drop your weekly allowance on this shirt!

Ever heard of Goldfish? Well, this is Goldfish but at home. The Guppies in the name definitely bring back childhood memories from the infamous show “Bubble Guppies”. So, of course, this snack would take the cake at being able to bring back feelings of nostalgia. You’ll spot this sitting on the table alone at a cool kids’ birthday party! It’s so cool that it resides by the trashcan. If you are sick and tired of seeing a snack that smiles back, well don’t worry, Cheddar Cheese Guppies frown back. They may not look approachable and may bite you, but these are just like people! They have feelings too, so don’t judge a book by its cover, and enjoy this cheesy snack. Warning: these may cause 67 side effects including but not limited to: nausea, fatigue, Facebook scrolling, TikTok bashing, Instagram hashtags, and much more.

Sometimes Dr. Pepper’s schedule is jam-packed with clients, so Dr. Thunder is here to save the day. Dr. Thunder is tasty, delicious, and most of all, it’s nutritious. It’s so electrifying and gives you the ability to drop down and give them twenty. Since this drink is so powerful, it provides electricity for your home! So, say goodbye to the expensive power bills and only pay a whopping grand total of 2.99 for this beverage. They don’t call this the powerhouse of the block (not the cell) for nothing. It can even serve as gas for your car. You heard me, now you won’t pay an arm and a leg just to drive to your local 7-11. If you want to be like Gordon Ramsey in the cover photo, then go buy this drink right now!

In conclusion, according to our calculations, Off-Brand items are ultimately superior to On-Brands. If we receive two likes on this article, we will use our weekly salary to buy some of the products mentioned. Stay tuned and watch out for a review of these products!